I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
