I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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