____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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