My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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