I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
