The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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