why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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