fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
