Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
