I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize