shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
