I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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