Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Holy shit dude........stairs
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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