There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
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All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
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after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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