I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
