Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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