i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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