I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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