Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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