is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
