his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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