she woke up with a sticky ear
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
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I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him