Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
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remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.