When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
