She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize