I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
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I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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