So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
