you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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