Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
