mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
