We won't sleep together?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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