there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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