Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
