Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
