why didn't you poke me back
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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