Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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