As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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