fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
