Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
