HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
