So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
