You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
