Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
