I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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