Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
