Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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