I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
