I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
