My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
