We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
