you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
