I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
