dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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