You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
