you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
