Michael Bay diarrhea
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
