Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
